Confessions of a Nanny Mama

I feel like a mom. On days like today there is nothing more truthful in my mind than the fact that I am a mom. I am the nanny of three beautiful little girls, two of which I have almost all the time. For these girls I am the support system. I am the care provider, love provider and confidante. I kiss their boo boos, I make their meals, I hold them when they cry and laugh when they laugh. I teach them their ABC's and to say "Yes ma'am". And it is days like today that I am fully aware of the struggle of mothers everywhere.
I take my girls to church with me (Yes, I have them on weekends), and like many mothers I have the task of keeping these three little girls, all under four years old, occupied and yet quiet. I keep them quiet so they can listen and so as not to disturb other people. I use the term "I am that mom" for things such as these, though I know I'm not actually a mother. So it is days like today when, during church, I am thinking to myself,
I am that mom who picks up her baby girl during worship, then puts her back down when she wants (repeat over and over).
I am that mom who lets her girls drink out of her water bottle because they like it better than their sippy cup.
I am that mom who takes her children out multiple times during the service because they need to go to the bathroom.
I am that mom who brings Cheerios in containers for her kids to eat since they did not get breakfast in the rush out the door.
I'm that mom who's learned not to care when others glance my way in a downward motion because my children are "inconveniencing" them.
And I am definitely that mom who turns into a giant monster Mama Bear when those downward looks are targeted toward my kids.
No one messes with my kids. Period. There, I said it. It's out there. Feel free to take to your twitter to say that I have offended someone once again. But there's a point to all of this, more so than just getting my feelings off my chest and alerting the world to my position. So stay with me.
Matthew 19 talks about Jesus's visit through Judea. Large crowds followed him and he healed them. He spoke to them about divorce until people brought little children to him to place hands on them and pray for them. The disciples disapproved and told Jesus they did. But he said these words that are so familiar to even those who aren't believers; "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these". When I bring my little children to church, I'm bringing them unto Him. So who cares what other people think. They have as much right to Jesus as I have, and no matter how restless they become during the service, or how disruptive, Jesus still has His hands on them and their lives. They are precious, not only in my eyes but in His, and when we determine to be more like Him, our eyes become more like His, and we begin to see others as precious, no matter how small. When we see through His eyes, we forget the petty, put down our predisposed view of "how I want my church to go" and see the big picture of what's important; sitting at Jesus's feet and letting Him lay hands on our lives. When we do that, all else will fall away.
So, the next time you see this little Nanny-Mama, remember to see like Jesus that though things are not in perfect order, they are still precious.

I was going to post about my book today, but this seemed to be much more pertinent. Hope it speaks to someone out there.

Until next time, Josslyn.

Valentine's Day

Hello, readers. I apologize for my recent (and not so recent) absence. I truly have gotten preoccupied in other things and seem to never write down my thoughts, or what's new. So, here it goes.

Tomorrow is the ever glorified, ever dreaded, February 14th. Valentine's day. For some reason Valentine's Day seems to always skip my thought process until the day is finally upon us. I look forward to other holidays, but this one always seems to escape me. I feel like I never truly see the big deal. For one thing, as many of us know too well, Valentine's Day is rigged. It's set up to hold high those who are in a relationship, and point out those who are not. The stigma that's been created and upheld is that, for women especially, to be complete and the best you can be, you must be in a relationship. You must have a man to call your own. And I'm sad to say I've fallen for that line. I still do. Every year a little part of me seems to wither up and die because I am not where I hoped I would be this year--happily in love. And a part of my self worth seems a bit betrayed knowing that no one-of the male species-cares enough for me to find me in any way appealing, or special.

But here's where things get tricky. Do you have to be in love to be happy? The answer, friends, is no. Because believe it or not, there is so much more to satisfy yourself in life than romance, and a boyfriend (or girlfriend for you gentlemen reading). As Christians, we have so much more to be happy about. We're redeemed, people! No more slummin' it. God has done the ultimate show of love for us and given us His most prized possession-His son. Oh, and He did this other nifty thing too and wrote us a love letter that has a whole lot more to say than "You're hot". It says "You're important to me", "I love you", "I want the best for you". I don't know about you, but for someone all knowing and all powerful to look at me and find worth and pleasure, that's a big freakin' deal. Romans 5:8 says "But God showed His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." I love it. While we were still sinners. Not when we got our act together or did the right things. God loves us in our darkest place, where we just want to hide in shame. As a parent you love your children when they're doing the right things and when they can't seem to do anything right. As a nanny, I love "my" kids when they're obedient and when they're having trying days. How much more does God love us? There is nothing we can do to make him walk away. If you're dating and things go awry, it's so easy to just say you're done. And in certain cases that may be the best decision. But God never quits on us. He will never break up with us and He will never decide that "He can do better".

Now, that being said, here is where I make my stand for all the single ladies. I am single. And there is a reason. Is it because no guy has ever expressed interest? Slightly true (Hey, having dystonia can be pretty intimidating). But it's also because God said I deserve the best. He gave me Jesus. He gave me salvation. And if I deserve the best, why should I waste my time on "okay"? I don't want an okay relationship, or a relationship for the sake of having one. I want the real deal. The one I'm supposed to have. The one that God wants me to have. God's a pretty good matchmaker. So I've decided to trust Him to put me where I need to be, and put my future husband where He needs to be when He sees fit.

So where does that leave you? If you're in a relationship, and you feel that's where you're supposed to be, good for you! I pray nothing but blessings for you. If you're feeling like a relationship will make you better, I hope I can encourage you and tell you that you are special and you are worth so much more than just adequate. For you, I pray that God will show you His love and that you can see yourself through His eyes. If you're not in a relationship, I hope you can spend this Valentine's Day knowing you are loved and cared for. All you single ladies out there, I hope you'll let the love of God fill your heart in a way that no man could. All you guys out there, I hope you're taking notes. Jesus set the bar pretty high as far as acts of love. I pray you'll strive to be more like Jesus and one day learn to love a woman the way Christ loves the church. And Future Husband, wherever you are, suit up, keep growing and I'll see you later.

Ever yours, Josslyn

Just a Little Something

Hey, guys! I know I haven't really posted anything in a while, but I had a few things to say today. First of all, thank you so much  to everyone who reads this. I'm really excited about the turn out that it's having. As most of you know, writing is what I absolutely love to do, and to be read by other people is a dream of mine.
      Just an update, I had my baclofen pump trial last month. I also had my second round of botox on the same day. The results of the trial didn't really turn out because they didn't give me a high enough injection. Basically, what happened was I had a lumbar puncture where they injected liquid baclofen, which is a parkinson's medication. Then I had to stay in the hospital for about 8 hours under observation to see how the baclofen would take effect. After a while, it was pretty evident that it wasn't really doing anything. So, my doctor figured out that they didn't do a high enough injection. I had to lay flat for the entire day. I was laid up for about a week after just because of the soreness from the injection. But I was able to have my botox, which was good. And I'm going to have another trial in May, which should be a lot more productive.
     To answer another question, yes, I do plan on publishing, hopefully. That's my dream, and hopefully it'll be a reality in the near future. Once I finish, I should be able to go forward with that, which is very exciting. What I'm calling on all of you to do...tell your friends, your family... Diaries of a Hidden Dystoniac, diariesofahiddendystoniac.blogspot.com. Thanks!

Ever yours,Dystoniac

An Update On the Move

     Hello, Blog World. Long time, no write. Well. a lot has happened since my last post. Probably one of the biggest would be that I successfully finished my first semester of college. To say that I am relieved would be an understatement. I love heading into a second semester. This will be an opportunity to grow from the mistakes of the past. I may not have done as well as I might have liked to this semester, but I know what I need to do next time. Learning is part of the process, right?
     You might also be interested that I got Botox injections this month. Your mind just went to cosmetics, didn't it? No. I did not get work done on my face. I had injections in both my arm and my leg. That would be a total of 4 shots. It's quite different from the Botox that you envision. Most of the time, you see an almost nonexistent thin needle being injected in the face. However, for this procedure, I had to lay down on the table, which later, I found was probably best, because if I had been sitting up, I probably would have fallen over or backwards. They numbed my arm and leg, but also, before hand, asked if I wanted any painkillers. I, having never had this procedure before, was unsure whether I did or not. So I asked. "Do I want painkillers?" The young nurse, trying to be honest, yet not alarming paused. She looked at the other nurse, who seemed older and much more experienced, waiting for an answer. The experienced nurse almost immediately replied, "Yeah. She's gonna want some." So I said, okay and they gave me some. After numbing my left side, we waited for the doctor, who finally came in and explained a little bit. It would take a while for the botox to take effect and then it would take a couple of weeks for it to take full effect. Then we started. They used the biggest needle I have ever seen, and slowly injected the drug into my muscles. They also used an electroshock machine to help it "wake up" the paralyzed muscles. The initial pain of the needle was pretty painful, but the shocks just amplified the pain. It took about half an hour and then I was able to leave, sore and exhausted, but optimistic for the results.
     It's been 3 weeks since the procedure, and it's been working extremely well! My hand, which I haven't been able to open for 10 years, now opens with ease. And, my foot, which always used to turn out and under (tripping me on many occasions) has been corrected. I would say the only downsides would be that my hand is somewhat weak, so I can't grasp things and also can't carry things with that hand. I also still have no control over my left ankle, which is a little tough to get around for walking. However, having no pain, hardly any twitching and an open hand makes it an even trade. I'm so looking forward to seeing how much more it will help with the proceeding rounds of Botox. My next round should be in March. I'll be sure to update how it effects me even more.

     As for now, this is where I leave you.
     Ever yours, Dystoniac

We Will Always Remember...Mostly

It's September 11th, 2011, exactly 10 years from the fateful day when our country was changed forever. Everyone has something to say about it, updating statuses, blogs, etc. "We will always remember", "I remember I was..." fill in the blanks. So where was I when the news erupted with video of the horror, replaying over and over again, reporting on the chaos ensuing around the nation? The truth is, I don't actually know. I know I had just woken up and came downstairs as my mother was watching the footage over and over again. I know that the story was all anyone talked about for months, and even years after. I know that I was diagnosed exactly 3 months later (December 11). But othere than that, there's nothing. I can't remember anything from before about 12 years old. It's times like these when it's extremely hard because everyone else has some kind of connection to that day, to their past in general. And all I have is bits and pieces, like a skipping CD. All I really have is the present and the future. Of course there are some things more recent than that that I would like to forget, but there's so much that I wish I knew. I wish I could remember my 7th birthday, my 8th birthday, even my 9th birthday. I wish I knew how it felt when I came home from New York after my surgery. I wish that when people who used to know me asked if I remembered them, I didn't have to give a blank stare because there is no recollection whatsoever. It feels sometimes like I have no past. Where did I come from? Where did I start?
           What does that leave me with? A whole lot of memories to be made. In 10 years, someone will ask me, where were you on the 10th anniversary of 9/11? And I'll say, I went to church and I stayed at home for the rest of the day. I watched the awful footage for the first time. They didn't realize when they asked what a loaded question it was. In 10 years, I'll have a family of my own, children (probably many) who most likely won't even know of what happened except for what they read in history books. 29. That's my goal.
            It makes the future quite exciting. It's my story that I'm writing, but the first couple chapters were ripped out. And the rest is all mine for the taking, the planning, the starting, the experiencing. You've never thought of it that way, have you? No, of course not. Your CD starts at the first song. :)

Eyes Wide Open...

     Hey. It's me. I was just taking a little trip down memory lane, listening to Gungor, while trying to suppress whatever twitching I can. I decided to read my old messages on facebook. These are incredibly old messages, dating all the way back to the summer before 9th grade. It's amazing how different I was. I found one that referred to my last grounding I ever had. I can't believe  the way my mind worked, so eager for acceptance that I was ready to follow the wrong people down a dark road. I was so incredibly dizzied by myself and my own ego to the point that I was unaware of what was up and down. It's odd to think that I approved of myself. Even that the people around me approved of me. I've been viewing my 9th grade year as one of the best for so long, yet hidden in these messages were what was really going on behind the scenes.
     I couldn't believe how whiny and self-pitying I was. Where I am now, looking back, I wish I could have embraced that time. Shortly after that my muscles started worsening and now I wish I could have clapped more, or anything, just to use what I had, but then lost. But, then, hind sight is 20/20. It's so easy to see what  the right decision is after the mistake is. Now, all I pray is that I don't make some of those same mistakes again, and spare myself from certain mistakes that I will look at in 4 years, asking myself why. Fortunately, throughout that period of mistakes came one of the best thing that I've ever chosen. I started going to my new church almost 3 years ago. I was a sophomore, and while I was actually forced to leave the church I had known for about 7 years, I soon after learned it was so much better for me. And, while I hate the way it happened, I'm so glad to be where I am. Thank You, God for showing me the life that You wanted for me!

    

My Game of LIfe

Updates! I went to school today for a meeting. And, by school, I mean college. We haven't started yet and won't for another two weeks (and, trust me, I will update you whenever that ship comes along). But, today, I went in for a meeting with the accommodations office. This is mostly because of physical limitations which could cause some pretty interesting situations. Also because of my ever present memory loss. The crazy thing about my memory is that I just found out recently that I have memory loss. I can't believe that for the last, oh, 9 years I've been going around unaware that I couldn't remember things and that was an issue. The thing is, I knew I couldn't remember anything from before the tumor, but I always thought it was normal; that everyone couldn't remember their childhood. Probably mostly because anytime I would mention not remembering, someone would pull the whole "I can't remember what I had for lunch yesterday" routine and it would make complete sense.
           Anyway, college. It's amazing. I remember just waiting and hoping for the day that I would be able to go to college, to do what I wanted to do, and be out of a regular school building all day. Now it's here and I still feel slightly unprepared. Don't we always on that first day of school?
          One teacher I had about 4 years ago was so nervous for her first day of school the year after I had been in her class. It was a crazy thought, because I had never really considered teachers to be the type to be afraid of students. But the fear was justified. Young high schoolers can be insane. I know because I was insane with them. I loved that year. It seemed like nothing ever really went wrong. Well, not really, anyway. There were the times that I didn't break at debate tournaments, or the time I almost got stepped on when I was sleeping on the floor in the cafeteria of Lees Summit West High School. It's really the only place to sleep at debate tournaments, and when you get home at midnight and have to be at your high school at 6 in order to debate at 8, you sleep whenever you can.
          The point is, whenever that teacher was able to grab onto some sort of familiarity (namely me), it was priceless. Because that's what we crave. Like children, we all long for consistency, a familiar way of life. We know the rules of the game, we know how to "get out of jail free" and we try our hardest to pass go and collect $200. But then, after round 1, the game changes. We have to figure everything out again only to move a couple spaces at a time. Inching slowly, we can establish our surroundings; what's going to happen, what needs to happen, and most of all, how we react to day to day life. Believe it or not, round 2 tends to be what trips me up. The transition may be a little rocky at first, but I know from experience that if you keep rolling the dice, at some point you can get to pass go. Your reward is for your perserverance. It's for every goal that you set out to achieve, and when you achieve it, the sweet taste of victory is so gratifying, much like that $200 from round 1.
          So, here I go into an unknown territory with every intention of skipping past the mouse traps, skipped turns and the stalking chutes. And, frankly, the chance of achieving what I set out to do is all the adrenaline I need. So, 2 spaces forward and...

BINGO!!